Its’s hard to take everything in and just keep it inside. Eventually a person will explode in ways unimaginable. That person with the biggest smile on their face, and handing out advice like it’s toilet paper could be the same person who goes home every night trying to keep himself from soaking his pillow. He could be the person that knows something is wrong, and would rather solve others’ problems, then even think of his own. He may sound wiser than the president, but could be as dumb as a doorknob when it comes to his own problems. Seeking advice from someone either makes him feel weak, or that others have too much on their plate and he doesn’t want to add more.
This person would be the one who gets headaches in the morning from overthinking the night before. He could be the one who feels lonely, even when he is surrounded by people. His smile could light up everyone else’s world but his. He looks in the mirror, and the person he thought he knew turns out to be a completely different person. His view of himself and others changes. His temper shortens; his patience decreases. He needs someone to comfort him but he doesn’t know who. At the same time, he doesn’t want anyone to feel pity or spend time thinking about his problems, when they have their own.
This person could be doing everything he can to change himself back. He is trying to forget. He is trying to stop thinking. He is trying to breath because with every deep breath he takes, he exhales some of the stress on him. But some things can’t be exhaled. They can’t be forgotten. And those are the things that are stuck in his throat. Those are things that he may not even know. Those are things that haunt his dreams. Those are things that are never understood by him or anyone else. Those are the things.
That’s the person whom everyone takes advantage of. People usually step on him. People usually let him down. Yet, he just lets everything go, and just forgets because he knows everyone has stuff to deal with. However, some things are hard to forget. Some things can push that button that triggers the bomb that’s been quiet for so long.
Once he feels like he just needs to take out everything off his chest and he finds someone to listen he’s at a loss of words. He becomes confused and doesn’t even know anything except that he just feels isolated and wants to be alone. But once he’s alone, he wants company to help him forget. His isolation makes him feel like no one understands, especially because sometimes he too doesn’t even understand himself.
He begins to scare himself. His view of things changes. His thoughts change. He changes.
He feels himself changing, yet he can’t seem to stop himself. He asks himself why, but he doesn’t know. He surrounds himself with new people every month, yet he suddenly starts to grow uncomfortable and move on. He tries to let go. He triest to detach himself. He tries to stop. But, they chase him. They chase him like a hyena chasing a deer. They won’t leave him alone. Yet, when they finally do, he looks back at those memories and it hurts him to know that things have changed so much. He misses them once in a while, and contemplates within himself if he should go back and wonders to himself why he ever left. But then he remembers that one feeling. There is no word to describe that feeling. It is just there. It is just a feeling. He can’t seem to explain it, it just feels like something is wrong. A feeling that tells him to go as far away as possible.
He leaves, sometimes certain that no one will care, other times knowing that pain will be taking his place in people’s hearts. He doesn’t do it on purpose. It just happens. It makes him feel right. It makes him feel like he’s found himself again. He tries to find a “good influence” in his life, someone who cares enough to try to be the best person they could, so he could be the best person he could be. However, many times people put masks on themselves in the beginning, but once they start to know each other the mask slowly peels off. Once its gone, he is scared. He is scared because of what he sees after it came off. He is scared because it is so different from what he saw in the beginning.
Once he actually starts to care about someone and becomes closer to them each day, he frightens himself. He is afraid to hurt them just like he hurt the hundreds before. He doesn’t want to cause the same pain because he cares. He cares too much. He cares to the point that if he were to hurt them he would break down knowing that it was his fault. He cares to the point that he doesn’t even trust himself with this friendship because it is too valuable. But no matter what they say to him, there is a part of him that doesn’t want to become attached because he knows it will be harder for them when he leaves. He knows he will leave. It always happens. He can’t understand it, he just knows it is inevitable. No matter how much they assure him, and how much they use the word “forever,” he knows they may not leave but he will. He will because he always does.
He gains their trust because of what they think they know about him. But they don’t know him. They don’t know his full story. No one does. Because he is a traveler. Their trust is worth more than the world to him. More than life itself. His mouth may never open and his advice may be valuable because of his wisdom, but once he moves on they just grow apart. The wisdom that they need is gone. But, he can only handle so much. He can only try to help so much. He can only save so much.
He begins to grow weary. He begins to believe that everyone he ends up talking to, he will end up hurting. He begins to believe that nothing lasts forever. That friendships always end. That people never stay. That HE never stays. He feels like a traveler in the same place. Traveling from one group to another, never finding home.
He wonders what would have happened if he stayed. Would he have been just like them? Would he have changed? Would he have grown the same way? Would he have lost that feeling?
Be careful of what you say to others. Be careful of how you treat people. Be careful of your actions. Love everyone. Respect everyone.